Grey's Anatomy Nailed It

Dear Pro-Choice Movement,

I don't want you to think I've left you out after my little meltdown with the "Pro-Life Movement", now known by me as the Anti-Abortion Movement. You need a new name too, because your name doesn't fit like a glove any more than theirs.

Are any of you Grey's Anatomy fans? Remember Season 11? That's the season Dr. April Kepner finds herself pregnant with a baby who's bones are so fragile, they are susceptible to breaking even in utero (Ostogenesis imperfecta 2). April is a devout Christian who lives and breathes for God. She is married to an atheist - Dr. Jackson Avery - creating a simmering tension between the two of them, culminating in the biggest conflict of all - whether or not to terminate their pregnancy. 

As the couple wrestles with their personal views on the suffering of their child, a climatic moment occurs in the middle of Episode 10. Jackson and April's mother are arguing in the kitchen while April is trying desperately not to be a part of their argument. Finally, April can't stand it anymore and screams at them,

"Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!  None of this is helping. You are not helping. Neither of you. I'm standing here listening to you tell me that God only gives me one choice and you telling me that I should forgo God's choice. And the truth is I don't know anything except that I am scared, and sad and I am alone.  You're both just standing there yelling at each other and talking at me, but I am alone and and it is terrifying!  And the louder you get the more terrified I become so I just need you both to shut up. Can you do that? Can you please both just shut up!"

Shonda Rhimes, the creator of the show, nailed it. This is exactly what's been happening to women who want to have reproductive freedom. They, like April, are in the middle of an escalating fight and the women you chose to help way back at the beginning have been tossed aside, scared out of their minds, while you battle for the win. 

Pro-choice movement, is this the way you help women? By defending their rights while avoiding their turmoil? You say your movement is here to help women - but I don't think you're listening very well. Many of us feel pain - physical and/or emotional pain - from our abortions, but you ask us to deny that pain, again and again and again. Your tactics on the battlefield are causing us to lose our minds! 

A couple of years ago, a woman named Emily Letts, filmed her abortion to show the public how easy and painless it is to have an abortion. Emily says she is uplifted and positively transformed by her abortion. No regrets. At the end, she is interviewed a month after her abortion and says she still feels great, empowered by her abortion. And while I believe that may have been true for Emily - she feels like she is a warrior for your movement and that she has just beaten the enemy - for many women, that is not the case. The writer, Katy Waldman, states at the end of the piece "And because the anti-choice myths are strong, the resistance fierce, the corrective must be too." 

You've gotten sucked into the gamesmanship of the anti-abortionists. You're reacting to them, not acting for a woman's best interest. Just like April, women are suffering on the sidelines while you engage in battle, ignoring the real physical and emotional needs of women who make a decision to terminate a pregnancy. 

Make no mistake, the strategies of both sides are about winning - not about a woman's life. Or I might add, that of her unborn child. Many women who've had abortions and who were once pro-choice, now feel abandoned, like Norma McCorvey, and are even choosing to go to the other side and take up the anti-abortion banner. 

And there it is. This is where we are now. Arguing. Fighting. At each other like Jackson and April's mom. And there are a million April's out there alone and sad and terrified and confused. I've seen them in support groups all over the internet. They need to know that what they went through was more than just a "right" they deserved. Having an abortion is a multi-faceted experience that can take it's toll on a woman in many ways. To ignore that is to ignore the group of women you say you are serving. 

So, pro-choice movement, I don't believe you have a woman's heart and soul in mind any more than the anti-abortion movement does.  You may be support a woman's right to choose, but I don't see any evidence that you are acknowledging the humanity of the women you purport to serve. Just like April, we've been left stranded, isolated and alone in the middle of the battlefield. Do you even remember what this battle was about? 

When the other side went low, with horrendous photos of fetuses and other vicious maneuvers, you went lower. Videotaping an abortion to "prove" that having an abortion is empowering and uplifting? I gotta hand it to you - there certainly is some shock value with that one. 

I don't know what to call you anymore. You may be pro-choice, but you're not pro-woman. The end is more important to you than the means it takes to get there. In th meantime, I will do my best to support women who still feel isolated, stuck, sad or regretful. Because I know there is A Third Way to do this. 

Are You Ready for Rebirth?

“Where is the man with the drugs?” I demanded. “You are all lying to me aren’t you? You say he’s coming, but he’s not, is he? You’re all full of it!”

I should state here that this was not one of my finest moments during the delivery of my second child and biggest baby. This week he will be sixteen. If you read last week’s blog, you know his younger brother was also born in October, so January seems to have been a particularly fertile month for me!


Born on October 17, 1998, he was 8 pounds 11 ½ ounces when he made his way into the world three days past his due date. Even though he took his time deciding when he was ready to be born, once he made the choice, he was here faster than you say supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. Well, almost.

Just before he was born, I remember screaming, “Get it out, get it out now!” as I pushed him through the birth canal. I had not been prepared for a natural birth, or such a large baby. I had never felt such excruciating pain before in my life.

Moments later I was holding a beautiful, healthy baby boy in my arms. From extraordinary pain to utter bliss in an instant!


As I look back on the last sixteen years with my oldest son, and especially his birth, I can see how so much of my transformation after my pregnancy losses required a similar dedication and desire. One of my book mentors talks about how writing a book is like birthing a baby. Transforming your pain into love after a pregnancy loss is not much different.

First, it’s important to consciously choose to heal the pain, numbness or isolation that you are living with, just like it’s important to consciously choose to have a baby when you are ready. I was most conscious of my choice to have this child, as I knew what parenting was like already from having a daughter. My son was conceived during the week of his grandmother's death - another example of pain and grief being transformed into love. Making the decision, myself, whether choosing to have a baby or anything else that requires effort, is a critical part of a successful outcome. Choosing to heal and to move on is not for the faint of heart. You have to really want to move forward for your feelings of forgiveness to take root. No one can make this choice for you.

Secondly, it does take time. Just like having a baby or writing a book, transforming your way of living with loss requires a different way of being and one that takes time to learn. It’s a special kind of journey: one where we need to be gentle and patient with ourselves. Some things need to marinate a bit before they are ready to be felt, seen or talked about. There were moments when I was pregnant, I couldn't wait to see my baby boy. But we both needed the time we had to prepare not just physically, but mentally and emotionally. There's no hurry.

Thirdly, it’s important to know that there will be moments when it’s hard to stay the course, and you will want and need support. There were moments of extreme morning sickness, and then of course, wanting drugs at his birth. There is a sisterhood of women out there who have been through pregnancy loss and can help others get through this often emotionally difficult path. One in every three women will have had an abortion in their lifetime. One in every two women will experience a miscarriage. There are lots of women who can help you navigate the current and stay the course to achieve wholeness. We are here for you.

Lastly, it’s vital to see a vision of what can be once the grieving and healing has taken place. I held a vision of my new baby and my new family in my heart and my mind during the tough times of pregnancy. For healing after pregnancy loss, it's a little harder, but based on the statistics, there are a ton of us at some point in the cycle. I’ve met a few women in my life who were willing to talk about this and show me the end game after going through all the shame, guilt, and pain. However, I have found many who were willing to live a half-hearted life afterwards because it was far easier to live in a way that was known and comfortable than to take the risk to release the grief. When we share with each other, we help ourselves AND our sisters on the path.

I want for you what I have found for myself – a whole hearted, joy-filled life complete with meaning and intention.

Who is ready to rebirth themselves?

Who wants to live boldly, love joyfully, and be loved fully?
I hope everyone reading this post raised their hand and shouted out loud “ME!”


Namaste.

By the way, here is the link to tonight's show with Mama Char. I hope you enjoy the show!

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/mamachar

Broccoli or Kale?

My nine year old bristles at the thought of eating vegetables. And I mean any vegetable, except perhaps corn. (Does corn even count as a vegetable… or is it a starch? I don’t know.) But I can tell you this: if I give him the choice between eating broccoli or kale, no matter which one he chooses, it will be a painful meal for him as he equally dislikes both of them. 

Abortion is a choice with a similar dilemma for many of us women, too. Unless we are 100% aligned with who we are and madly in love with ourselves, it is very likely that if we choose to terminate a pregnancy, the pain will haunt us at some point in our lives.

You have probably heard about Emily Letts, the 25 year old woman that filmed her abortion back in March. She said she wanted women to know that making the choice to have an abortion is not painful. She stated that she was clear in her choice and that she had lots of support for her decision. Perhaps she is one of those rare women who is in completely in love with herself. For the most part, I have found that abortion is an experience that challenges us over and over again in our lifetimes with issues of self-love and self-worth.

Mostly, I worry that her extraordinary measures may be misleading – to her future self, her future children, and to others who are facing the choice between having an abortion or giving birth. Physically, I do not remember feeling much pain with my abortion either, but between a strict and Catholic upbringing and the protesters at the clinic where I had my abortion, the emotional pain was inescapable for me. I believe this is true for many other women as well. Just because we choose abortion doesn’t mean that we don’t feel pain from our decision. On levels much more complicated than my nine year olds choice between broccoli or kale, it is not unusual to be in a situation where both alternatives to a particular choice are unpalatable. My nine year old is not going to dance after gulping down his kale any more than I did a dance of joy after having an abortion. Just sayin’.

Last year, I knew deep in my bones that serving women who have had abortions was what I was meant to do. I didn’t know exactly how I was going to do this work, so I applied to an abortion organization that is well known for supporting women by volunteering to work their hotline. It meant giving up a lot of my time for coaching and leaving my children with a babysitter, but I was totally up for the gig. These are the people I wanted to serve. When they found out later that I believed there were real and tangible aftereffects from abortion, they said they were no longer interested in having me volunteer with them. They believed it was disempowering for women to learn there may be aftereffects. 

I wonder, are we really empowering women to make them believe that there is no aftermath from having an abortion? This has been the classic pro-choice platform for years. And while I believe that women deserve the right to choose, the current model of denying the emotional experience does not appear to be helping women. I spent too many years of my life disempowered, not knowing there was a downside and thinking I was all alone. I believe that knowledge is power, and if we educate ourselves more on this experience, embrace it for what it truly is rather than gloss over it as if it is nothing, then perhaps women will stand a better chance of taking their power back. 

Maybe a model of knowledge leading to empowerment might be a new thought to consider. Is knowledge empowering or disempowering?

I’d love to hear your thoughts.


Namaste.