Cracked Open – Again

Have you ever been at a place where you thought you had freed yourself of all the baggage from the past? Cleaned all those skeletons out of the closet, only to find there was yet another piece to be cleared?

Well, that was my experience this past week. And boy, was it a doozy!
I thought I had done all my clearing of the past. However, last week, at a family reunion, I discovered another deep wound needing to be healed and brought into the light.   

This was not your ordinary family reunion. This was a “soul” family reunion, many of us meeting for the first time. As those of us who already knew each other hugged, one of my sisters greeted me, telling me how relaxed and beautiful I looked. Yes, beautiful. 

“Me?” I questioned. “Really?”

“Yes you," she replied adamantly. “Don’t you see it?”

I was definitely feeling more relaxed since the last time we were together, that was true, but beautiful? I wasn’t feeling THAT. As she persisted, I finally said I was flattered, but just did not see what she saw. On the verge of tears, I tried to change the subject. 

She was one of three people that day who told me how beautiful I looked. Yet I was not able to own that compliment. 

Serendipitously, through a series of God-incidences the next day, I realized that my feelings of unworthiness stemmed from the need to shine light on one of my oldest relationships. My relationship with my father. 

I sat down and wrote my dad a letter – a letter that would never be mailed - pouring out all of the hurts, all of the anguish. Decades of unprocessed memories of not feeling accepted or loved filled the page as I let the pain out, flowing like white waters in a turbulent river, unable to stop until they were completely emptied onto the page. Before now, I believed because I had intellectually processed my hurt, I was done with that work. But until my heart was cracked wide open, the way it was then and there, no mental justification was going to make me whole.

The details of my experience with my dad do not matter here. What does matter and bear sharing, is that the things that hurt, the things we hide and hold deep in our hearts, are the things that hold us back and keep us from shining our true beauty and light. Allowing the sadness to come out, to feel the hurt and pain, was necessary in order to embrace my authentic self.  

The next and last day of our reunion, I had made some new, intimate friends. As I walked towards my seat on that final day, one of them stopped me and said “Do you know how pretty you are? And you are not wearing any make-up either, are you?”

“Thank you.” I replied. I paused and looked her in the eyes. “You have no idea how meaningful those words are to me right now.” 

As I walked back to my seat, another woman stopped me with a similar compliment. 

Another illusion had been shattered. And miraculously, embracing the reality of all of it felt liberating and wonderful!

Just then, the music started to play again. As Abba’s Dancing Queen started to play, I grabbed my new friend’s hands and said “let’s go!” I was ready to own who I was, all of it, and it felt great.

Am I there yet? Time will tell. But for now, I am ready to shine a whole lot brighter!



  1. How amazing that God reaches so gently into our hurt places and helps us to accept and then let go. Thank you Christina!

  2. Hard work to do for sure Tina, but made so much easier being surrounded by loved soul family! It is amazing!

  3. I LOVE YOU! I was so happy to finally meet & hug you in person! You Shine Brighter than EVER! LOVE & Light Blessings!

    1. Lana, the feeling was mutual, for sure! Thank you so much for your Love, Blessings and Wisdom! You are a bright light in this world too. Namaste, Christina

  4. THANK YOU Christina for the vulnerability and beauty of your pain, your heart, and your soul! Although we didn't talk very much together last week, we have more in common than you realize and your posting reinforced what I have still been sitting in - I too am ready to shine a whole lot brighter and own Who I Am!!! I treasure you beyond measure!

    1. Susan, I have/had a feeling that we share some of the same pain and felt connected before we even met. I can't wait to meet again and move to the beat of Dancing Queen together! Much, much love to you, Christina

  5. Thank you Christina for allowing your heart to open so wide and shine so brightly, maybe it provided just the right amount of light to truly see yourself by. And if you are seeing what we are all seeing then you know the absolute beauty of every aspect of you. Thank you for the opportunity, through your sharing and healing, to look at it for myself as well. Much gratitude.

    1. Lynda, You are a vulnerable, brave and beautiful soul! Thank you for leading, for holding space and shining YOUR light. Amen! Namaste, Christina