Confessions of a Deacon's Wife

I grew up Catholic. I went to church every Sunday and religious education classes every week - except when I went to Catholic school, then I had religion class every day and said prayers before the start of most of my classes. Sr. Holmes was the best. She was my middle school math teacher and started every math class with a prayer before spewing out an oral multi-step math problem of the day. I was lucky, I guess. The nuns at my school never once used a ruler for punishment. 

Even though I've only been to Mass twice in the last ten years (I hope Sr. Holmes understands from wherever she is now), I can still recite the prayers on demand without a missile. 

"I confess to Almighty God and to you my brothers and sisters, that I have sinned. Through my thoughts and in my words. In what I have done and what I have failed to do . . . "

And then prior to Communion, "Lord, I am not worthy to receive you, but only say the words and I shall be healed."

At the end of the Hail Mary, "Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen."

So much emphasis on sin and blame. When I think about these words now, how they still reverberate in my mind and my heart, it finally makes sense why the shame I felt from my abortion almost killed me. If my thoughts and words weren't reason enough to be ashamed, how much worse was the sin I had committed by terminating a pregnancy?

I think that (straight) men must find these prayers have a different impact to them. They can actively participate in Church leadership, whereas women cannot (at least in the Catholic Church). That sets them up in a position of power that women in Catholic traditions don't have. My guess is that these prayers are humbling for them, but that they likely don't impact their psyche the way they do for me as a woman. I am not met in the same way in my religion as my male counterpart and so I am already starting at a less than place when I recite these prayers. 

The Catholic Church was thrilled with the recent decision by the Supreme Court overturning Roe vs. Wade. I suspect that this decision and the direction our country will take as a result will take an even bigger toll on the emotional psyche of women of Christian faith. We've repeated for decades the words "I am not worthy" and it's evidenced by the lack of women in the hierarchy that we are not equal. It has taken me decades of therapy and coaching to find my worthiness again. For anyone who is struggling, believe me, I understand. And remember this, Jesus made all of us in his image and we are all made with the same essence of Love and Divinity inside of us- female and male. The words we repeat in Church as words meant to keep us in our place. We are powerful beings, perfectly made. 

So repeat after me:

"I am worthy. I am worthy. I am worthy."

Rinse and repeat until you believe it. 

Namaste.