The Three Best Gifts You Can Give Mom This Mother's Day

Let's face it, Mother's Day is a complicated holiday. And mother-child relationships are probably the most complex and intimate relationships on the planet. Mothering has become such an exulted profession that it's hard for many of us to acknowledge or feel the many, often conflicting truths, of that relationship. 

For example, I have a friend who lost her 93 year old mother only six weeks ago. She and her sister had a tight relationship with their mother, who weathered partner abuse when the girls were young and endured despite it. My girlfriend has been overwhelmed by grief for the loss of her mother in recent weeks. Today she will stay home and avoid Facebook and social media, waiting for this day to end when her heartache won't be so visible.

Another friend has four daughters who barely speak to her anymore. They took the father's side in a divorce, and constantly criticize, belittle and disrespect their mother when they are around her. The abuse she took from her ex-husband now comes at her through her daughters. She will also be staying inside with the shades drawn today, waiting for tomorrow, when she can get back to work and not dwell on her loss.

Still another friend is childless, who had multiple miscarriages and one abortion many years ago. Although she is single, she still deeply desires the blessing of children, yet remains childless. Her feelings today more complicated than I can imagine.

And then there is the mother who works three jobs to support her family, or the one that had the baby of an unexpected pregnancy who can't find a job that pays enough for her to cover day care, or the mom who's husband trips over his own feet as he leaves the local bar but makes it home only to slap her around while the children pretend to sleep - the mothers who endure just to survive. 

I'm sure if you chatted with your friends, you might come up with a dozens of other examples of why this day is fraught with angst for so many women.

This "holiday" in American culture has become a capitalist perversion of what it was intended to be when it was first thought of back in 1905. It wasn't long (less than 20 years later) before even the founder of Mother's Day, Anna Jarvis, tried to have it rescinded due to the commercialized tone it had taken. 

Glorifying all mothers, a superficial acknowledgement to women, and commercializing motherhood does not make the world a better place. Only a more confused one.

I've thought about this a lot over the years. Although we are now in a state of equilibrium, my relationship with my own mother has been tumultuous at times. And as to my own parenting? Ugh. Even when I thought I was doing my best, I had a partner who was still able to sexually abuse our daughter. There are experiences that haunt us for the rest of our lives.

So this mother's day, I'm not sending flowers, buying gifts or wishing strangers I see in my daily walks a Happy Mother's Day. It's hard to take this different path. Everyone's experiences are far too different, incredibly personal and belong to them. I don't wish to do more harm, although I worry that I still might. 

Ideas for women or mothers in your life that go a little deeper than flowers and gifts, especially during this pandemic? How about:

• A phone call to check in. Ask them how they are doing, what they need, if they would like to talk. Let them know they're not alone. Practice the art of listening well. 
• If you're close to a friend who is feeling loss, providing a meal or other sort of nourishment is helpful. In particularly profound times of grief, managing to get clothes on is a challenge; fixing a nutritious meal is a luxury. 
• Show up to vote! Vote for women and mom friendly candidates and policies. Write letters to your representatives to let them know where you stand, why taking care of mothers is important. 

Listen. Nourish. Support with your vote. These are the best gifts I can give to myself and the mothers in my life in 2020. 

Namaste.