In the Blink of an Eye

Seventeen years ago, I held my three week old baby daughter in my arms, totally and completely in love with her. Born at the end of January, I was still deep in the honeymoon phase through the month of February. I could never have imagined anyone so tiny could take my breath away the way this seven and a half pound little girl did. With her silky smooth head, sparkling blue eyes and loving spirit, I was forever smitten. 

Today, February 18, 2014, those seventeen years feel like they’ve passed in the blink of an eye as I kiss her good-bye at the airport. That beautiful head lying on my shoulder this morning as we drove to catch her flight is no longer baby soft and balding, but is now thick and full of dark shoulder length wavy hair. Her once blue eyes turned a deep brown shortly after her first birthday and now water gently with my own as we embrace at the security gate. Her loving spirit, now stronger and more confident with the passage of time, continues to captivate me. 

She is off on her first big adventure today, traveling overseas to live and go to school on a kibbutz in Israel for two and a half months. Her Israeli “brother”, Gilad, is well-known to her, having lived with us for three months this past fall. Her Israeli mom and dad feel almost familiar to us after our regular Skyping sessions these past six months.

When her host family and I spoke shortly after their son arrived to stay with us last fall, they told me they believed Gilad’s soul chose our family, in the same way an unborn soul chooses their birth parents and siblings. And as his soul chose us, we acknowledged my daughter’s soul also chose them. It was an affirming thought for me, and as I sent my own daughter off to their open arms now, I imagine it was a comforting thought for them as well. 

I am learning that the village helping me raise my children is not just a local, but a global and spiritual one as well. I sent her host family a brief text message this morning to let them know she was on board her plane. Immediately her host mom called me, asking me how we both were, knowing firsthand both the excitement and sadness I was feeling having stood in my shoes only six months earlier as she said goodbye to her son. What a relief it was to talk to her, my daughter’s other mother, halfway across the world, and know how they were eagerly waiting for her arrival – all of her, body and soul! 

As she boarded her plane and I sat outside of security waiting until she was safely in the air, it occurred to me how there is so much more going on between us than we could ever imagine. I thought about my first pregnancy and my first daughter, Mary, as I left the airport. I thought about how Mary released me, her soul allowing mine to choose what was best for me, knowing that in the end, things would all work out. I imagine she knew that I needed more time to be ready to have a child. And I imagine she knew that this day would someday arrive, this moment where I now release my first born daughter into the world and in some strange way, it would all make sense.

In the ebb and flow of the circle of life and the bitter sweetness that comes with change, everything feels exactly as it should be. My life – abortion, miscarriage, divorce – it all makes sense to me in this one moment. Everything before has brought me here, to this place of feeling one with the Universe. Right now, in this space, with a tearful good-bye to a confident young woman still ringing in my ears, it all remains quiet and perfect within my soul. 


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