Would I Do It Again?

They say hindsight is 20/20, right? So I recently got to wondering, if I had to do everything over again in my life, including having an abortion, would I? 

I used to think I would not. I used to think that hindsight informed me that it was too painful, too traumatic, and impossible to get over to ever do again.

I used to think that way… until I didn’t. 

One day, a few years ago, after I’d already had three children, was separated from my husband, and very much in overwhelm being a single parent, I thought I might be (gasp) pregnant.

I had been seeing a kind and gentle man who loved both me and my kids. My divorce attorney had told me to wait to start dating as I was just stirring the pot of anger with my ex by getting involved with someone before my divorce was final. After putting this wonderful man him off from having sex for a good six months, I finally agreed to go away for the weekend with him. We used birth control, specifically condoms, that weekend so it couldn’t have been any safer, right? Besides, I was due to get my period within days so by my calculations everything would be okay.

It would have seemed that way, but I didn’t get my period for three weeks. And they were the longest three weeks of my life. 
I had already started my healing journey with Project Rachel and thought I had processed everything there was to process about my decision to abort. I knew after living the Project Rachel weekend that I would never have another abortion. 

And then suddenly there I was, in my mid-forties, separated and not yet divorced, exhausted from juggling work, single parenting, and the stress of the legal proceedings (my divorce), only to find myself wondering if I really could handle having another child.

How would my body handle this? Would I be able to take care of a baby and the three kids I already had and not lose my job? The man I was seeing had his own complications with family at home so the choice of having or not having another child was mine to make.

“Good God” I thought. “Maybe I will have to make this choice again!”

For three weeks, I pondered this question and more. I lost weight, sleep, and any sense of who I thought I was. My companion was concerned, of course, but agreeable to whatever I decided. Death seemed a preferable option, but my kids' needs removed that thought from my mind. “Dear Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! Why can everyone else in the world have sex and not get pregnant while I, ever so cautiously, put one foot in the sexual pool and bam! – I get pregnant? Why me?”

Just when I thought I couldn’t get out of bed another day, I FINALLY got my period. Sweet, sweet relief flooded my body!

So would I have gotten an abortion again if I had been pregnant?

You can’t tell from looking at me now, but at the time my friends thought I had an eating disorder as I had lost so much weight from all the legal shenanigans. I was only getting about six hours of sleep a night on a good night as it was, and my three children were needy, especially since they were dealing with the separation from their father. I could see no other way out but to seriously consider choosing to have another abortion.

Luckily, I did not have to make that choice, but I can remember those three weeks like they happened just yesterday. Would I choose to have an abortion again after the excruciating pain, mentally, physically and emotionally of the first one? Despite everything I knew and experienced already, I have to say - Yes, yes I would.

It’s easy to be philosophical about abortion… until you are in the shoes of someone facing this decision. It’s all theory until it’s happening to YOU!

Today, I am in a much better place with abortion – personally and generally speaking. It is something women have been doing for over 4000 years. Isn’t it time we are able to embrace our sexual essence and inner wisdom and listen to our own knowing?

Because in the end, everything will be okay IF you deem it to be so.


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